It’s been awhile, guys.

So, here’s an update.
>I have been well.  I’ve been walking since my Surgery, but I had to use a walker for awhile.  But now I can walk around my house without a walker, or a cane.  When I go out I use a cane for balance and because it’s harder to get around when I’m outside my house.  I’ve been going out with my friends and family a lot lately, I went and saw a few movies and I’m really starting to feel a lot better.

>I’m going to Physical Therapy three times a week, and I’m making a lot of progress.  When I first went I could only straighten my leg to 20 degrees, and now I’m at 0.  I could only bend it to 78, and now I’m at 95.  I wish I could bend it more, and I’m getting impatient but I know that if I keep at it I will just continue to see progress. 

>I haven’t been going to the Hospital for chemotherapy.  I don’t believe in it anymore, not now that I don’t have a tumor in me.  I know I would not be able to be where I am without it, so if I were to get another tumor I would go straight back to the Hospital…but…I don’t even know if I have cancer in me anymore, and I’m afraid that before I’m able to get better the chemo will make me too sick to get strong.  So maybe we’re only taking a break from it while I do physical therapy - my leg is what is most important to me, and with chemo I was too weak to even get out of bed.  Now I can strengthen myself, and my leg and I’ll be able to walk normal soon.  If after that I go in and they show me evidence that I need chemo again, then fine.  But if they’re just going on standard protocol…well, then I will refuse it.

>My scar hurts a lot sometimes.  I’ve been rubbing vitamin E lotion on it, which is what I’ve been told to do.  If you have a scar, or even stretch marks you should rub some Cocoa Butter & Vitamin E lotion on it, it makes it better!  But sometimes my scar will just start stinging, or burning…and man I just wish all this pain would stop.  It’s been almost three months since my Surgery, you’d think the pain would have stopped by now.

>I’m back to taking my anti-depressant, and bipolar medicines regularly.  I’m back on an old medication that I was unable to get before, but now I have it and I’m trying to slowly get my body used to it again.  I’ve been having a lot of bipolar episodes, and a lot of the time it’s when I look at myself…or when I’m out in public without my wig.  I went to the movies the other day with some friends and had to call my mom to pick me up about 20 minutes into the film because I was just…upset.  Walking out, there was a group of boys around my age coming in and one of them was staring at me and I yelled “What!?”  at him.  Which is…completely unlike me.  So whenever I go out now, I’m going to wear my wig.  It makes me feel better - and I know that people think I’m beautiful without it but…I just don’t feel it, and without my hair…it’s just hard, and I’m getting really impatient for it to start growing back.  I just want it. I want it bad.

> Well, that’s it for now.  I love all of you very much, and if any of you ever need anyone to talk to, or to rant/vent at, or someone for advice you can always come to me.  My main tumblr is here, my Facebook is here, and my Skype is roboticappendages.  Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need anything, I really do care about each and every one of you and the support you’ve given me over the last few months is more than I could have ever asked for.  Thank you so much.

/

runnernotalover asked: When I was on chemo and steroids, I often heard voices or silly things like commercials that you hear on the radio about traffic or weather. It eventually goes away, but I completely understand that it's quite scary when it is happening.

Thank you.  It is really scary, and it’s hard to stay positive about it when you’re hallucinating and seeing things…sometimes they aren’t all good things, sometimes they’re just silly things.  Sometimes it’s really scary.  I think the morphine drip I was on, along with the chemo intensified what I was already hearing and seeing…but things are better now. 

Spoke with my Doctor about the Hallucinations,

I’ve already lost part of my hearing - not enough for it to effect me normally, but when I’m with a group of people focusing on what just one of them is hard to do.  And when more than two people are talking at once I can’t understand what anyone is saying.

So I told my Doctor about it, and he said that he’d look into it but that I’m still going to take Cisplatin at the full dose it is, even after my mother and I have voiced our concerns.  I don’t understand why he won’t lower it.  What the hell has to happen before he lowers it?  Do I have to all of a sudden not be able to hear ANYTHING?

This is ridiculous.

/

I’m a little worried…

Since I first started Cisplatin, on December 22nd I’ve been slowly noticing things. At first it was just ear ringing, and popping; like I was in an elevator.

Now…I’m hearing things.

Clicks, whining noises, scratching noises.

Voices; mumbling, singing, talking.  Never about anything in specific, or significant.

Just now my head played me music, like I had headphones on.  Three different tunes, after I snapped myself out of one, I’d start to doze off and then another would begin shortly thereafter.

Thoughts?

laniacmoose asked: That last post, You are so lovely. So lovely. I could hug you were we not separated by computers and many miles. Lovely lovely person.

Thank you…I just, I wanted to make sure he was okay.

I can’t sit by listening to them screaming, without feeling something…

‎”Hello sweetheart, ♥

There’s no need to cry anymore tonight. I sent my guardian angel, Castiel*, to watch over you while you’re sleeping. He’s going to make sure that every single Angel in Heaven is watching over you and your family tonight, and that everything will be okay. While the Angels are always watching us all, tonight they’ll be all yours, and Castiel will be yours until you feel better, you can’t see him but trust me…he’s there. There’s no reason for you to be afraid with him around, and you’re safe here in the hospital with all these amazing nurses to take care of you.

CHIN UP ↑

My name is Lauren, I’m in room 910 and it’s full of prayers just for you.
Everything is going to be okay. I promise.”

>Sometimes the kids on the 9th floor get sad, or upset, and when they do they almost always get loud. It genuinely upset me…I start to cry, alone in my Hospital bed with my Doctor** rocking myself back and forth while I listen to their wails of pain, agony, and terror. It’s not a scary place here - but tonight they brought in a three year old boy who was in a car accident and his mother can’t stay with him because she needs to take care of his younger siblings. 

This is what I wrote him. I don’t know if it will work, but I really hope it does.

I write a lot of these things while I’m stuck here.  If I can’t use my voice, I still have paper, and words.

Making a few clarifications because my mother commented on these two things, so for anyone confused - 
*Yes, I watch Supernatural.  I thought giving him an Angelic sounding name would soothe the boy even more, but I actually have heard that name used when referencing Angels somewhere else as well.  On top of that, he’s a three year old boy so I doubt he doesn’t have any idea what Supernatural is.

**My Doctor, as in the stuffed rabbit my boyfriend and I made at Build-a-Bear together before I got sick.  He’s based on The Doctor, has two hearts, and is always with me at the Hospital.